Archive for category comedy

Film festival rules – What not to do at film festivals!

Do you know your film festival rules and regulations? Film festivals dos and don’t s?

Well, when you jet off to that foreign film festival it’s easy to get carried away with the glamour and excitement of it all. There’s the wild parties, the hotel junkets, the beach photo-shoots and the booze. The innocent and naive first timer may make some crucial mistakes and tarnish their reputation for years.

Here’s just a few tips on what not to do at film festivals:

  1. Jump on stage naked and run about during any presentations
  2. Grab the mike from the speaker and start singing
  3. Get so drunk you don’t know whether you’re a man or a woman.
  4. If bearded, get so drunk you try to pull your beard off thinking it’s make-up
  5. If clean shaven or a woman, get so drunk that you get violent thinking someone has shaven your beard off.
  6. Fall off the yacht in a drunken haze never to be seen again. Well, at least they might make an interesting documentary about you.
  7. Fall of the yacht between another yacht and get squashed..oooh
  8. Go up to Robert De`Niro and say ’Yeah I’m talking to you, m**********r!’
  9. Go up to Joe Pesci and say ‘do I amuse you. Am I here to amuse you? Now go get your f*****g shine box!”
  10. Give a ten minute speech and start crying and blabbing like a baby..
  11. Start a fight with another director who is better and won more than you.
  12. When you lose in the competition shout ,“It doesn’t matter. One day I’m going to be bigger than Spielberg”…Er, no. you’re not.

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Film jobs by ‘Disgruntled.’

This is Disgruntled’s guide to film jobs. This isn’t my opinion but that of a warped and bitter individual who has worked with too many a******s. Do you have the qualities to work on a movie set? Check out this guide to the roles of some of the film crew!

WARNING! Some readers may find the following film jobs and descriptions highly offensive.

Director
Crack fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own talent and or small penis (if man), moustache (if woman). “Hey wake up buddy, you’re a ‘director’, for like, four weeks of the year, the rest of the time your unemployed and sitting on your ass!

Producer
Coke/booze fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own importance – with one redeeming feature – access to money. If female, usually single because they’re such a pain in the ass…and fat and ugly.

D.P.
Gadget/monocle wielding perfectionist harbouring a secret desire to direct and a plastic gel fetish. Soon to be out of business due to technical advances and new cameras.

Gaffer
Barely breathing, older hairy-assed spark who’s now too lazy to move. Wears a thong with the excuse… “but it gets so hot in here.

Camera operator
Swaggers about like a rodeo rider on heat. Treats camera like prized stallion/sex object, always touching it, and shit. Masturbates over American cinematographer magazine. Avoid giving them a seat on the dolly or they’ll expect to be carried like Caesar or Cleopatra or Jabba. Believe themselves to be charismatic mavericks like Indiana Jones or James bond… which of course, they’re not.

Camera assistants
Ass-kissing, elitist fucks suffering from mental dwarfism.

Sparks
Promiscuous, coked up, hairy-assed with pot-bellies…and the men are just as bad.

Boom Operator
Guy with a stick, with what looks like some massive dildo stuck on the end. They shove it up their ass (without the fluffy bit, which is harder to clean) when they’re alone… which is a lot.

Sound recordist
Normally, a man-geek who is lacking social skill and/or sense of humour. A possible ‘Idiot Savant’. The are always one of the first to leave set as they only have some cables and a little box thingy.

First A.D
Directors evil helper who needs a whip to crack. When they ask “how lon?” the correct reply is either… “suck my dick!” or… “how long till what?..Till lunch/dinner/snacks?..Till you suck my dick?

Second/third A.D.’s
No-talent, ass-kissers with no redeeming features who squawk “ooo, look at me, I work in films.” They will point a lot and order you around, telling you to “line up over there!” If you are a supporting artist, the correct reply to this is… “Eat me, you line up over there, bend over and get f****d in the ass!

Production coordinators
Anal obsessive list-makers and over ambitious P.A.s. who complain, “But don’t you have your movement order/schedule/some stupid form?” You say… “There was no paper in the honey wagon so I wiped my ass on it.”

Supporting artist
You are sub-humans not be looked directly by any other member of the crew and cast. They will avoid all efforts on your part to chat, bond, obtain sympathy for your plight. You may think, “I’m an actor!” but like… so what?

Actors
Narcissistic bags of wind, who’ve never worked a day in their lives… “What’s your motivation? A boot up your f*****g ass if you don’t start hitting the god-damn marks, mother*****r!”

Make-up
Overpaid face-painters only taken seriously by children and desperate mums. The females are cock-teasers, and the men…they’re cock-teasers too.

Runners
Who?

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Film set rules!

It is so exciting to see people making a film somewhere and all of us just want to find out more. But how should we behave on-set when we arrive unexpectedly?

Here are a few guidelines about what to do if you see someone making a film and fancy a little look-see, guaranteed to make a good impression and who knows, maybe some new friends?

  1. Never point and laugh at the director when he’s framing up a shot and start talking like a crack addict who’s just had a load of crack.
  2. Do tap the director on the shoulder and then proceed to tell him how he should film this shot, they love to collaborate and appreciate everyone’s input.
  3. Don’t take make-up from the make-up artist and: a) Draw on yourself, others or objects (animals and babies are ok – they won’t tell). Try older children at your own peril. b) Eat it. c) Make rude gestures with the lipstick.
  4. Don’t inform the producer that you’ve seen one of the crew snorting coke as this is the norm and perfectly acceptable, indeed the producer has probably done a few lines herself that morning. Everyone works hard on set and they need a little pick me-up.
  5. Don’t wander around the set turning lights on and off willy-nilly to save energy.
  6. Don’t look at the monitor and say out loud, ‘it’s a bit dark isn’t it? I can’t see f**k all’.
  7. Don’t chat up the producer’s blonde bombshell girlfriend, usually a promising and talented model come actress….with big tits.
  8. Do help yourself to tea and coffee all day and food at meal times.
  9. Don’t jerk off in the honey wagon between takes.
  10. Don’t fart during a take or an atmosphere track. The exceptions to this rule are: a) You’re the sound man and you know it’s coming, you can deal with it, or b) You’re the director, c) You’re the director’s mum.
  11. In between takes, don’t pick up the boom and wave it about like you’re an extra from Lord of the Rings.
  12. Don’t answer your phone during a take. The only exception to this is, if it’s your mum asking what you want for dinner.
  13. Before a take, don’t tell the leading lady that, on the monitor she looks a bit old/fat/dwarf-like.

Follow these simple rules and you are bound to be invited back to the next location. Have fun.

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