I can’t say that any of the 3D movies I have seen have blown me away. Avatar was ok but I just kept thinking about how much I hate smurfs and that was distracting. Actually the story was poor and that was more distracting. Or rather it was obvious and undemanding and it pissed me off. Apart from Terminator, Aliens and some parts of the Abyss, Cameron has done a good job of convincing a lot of people that he’s really good.

Anyway,  “Up” is the winner for me in the 3D stakes. But this general insistence on tacking 3D onto every big blockbuster movie is taking the biscuit. Clash of the Titans is a case in hand. It was put through that 3D process and released and poor innocents got their asses scammed but again that was mainly because it was badly written. If a film is written well and it is justified to have in 3D then maybe it will be wortht it but such a film hasn’t been written yet.

Thank f**k Inception wasn’t like that. Isn’t Lucas releasing Star Wars in the new format? Maybe that will be worth it, but I’ve seen that movie, damnit.

We’re having 3D televisions pushed down our throats. The marketing gods have decided that our lives are worthless without such gadgets. Oh, ok then. I mean, I dont want to be left behind do i?

Ok, I’m ranting. Back to this camcorder. It is 3D because it has a converter lens on the front which allows the recording of low res images (960×540, or 960x1080i) in 3D. You can take the lens off and shoot hi-def 1080 p in 2D too.

It retails about $2000 so you can shoot all your home movies and low budget films in the format. It might be a noveltycool for family stuff but you will need one of those TV’s to watch it on.

At the end of the day, if you come with a great story you can shoot in most formats and engage the viewer. People get engaged by great stories which begs the question, why shoot in 3D anyway?

I’ll wait for the holodeck.

Granted, there are many industries who operate under the own arcane gobbledegook. ‘Management speak’ is often touted as an example of language gone loopy. Movies, however, are a very public affair and if you have the slightest interest in getting under that glossy and glamorous sheen to see how they are really made, then you will soon come across some very mystical incantations which will befuddle your brain and murk your mind. Reading like something out of “The Lord of the Rings” are words, phrases, job titles and techniques from “Gaffers to gobos, dollies to doughnuts, apple-boxes and Auteurs.” Were you aware that if you are at all interested in looking through the camera then, one day, you may have to put your face against a “teddy bear’s asshole”? I’ll leave you to find that one out for yourself.

Anyone getting to grips with film terms and movie terminology should be rewarded with a certificate of achievement and a badge. If you have ambitions to study film technique, make films yourself or just appreciate the art and craft of movie making, then at some point you will begin to encounter these obscure and esoteric nuggets of mouthery that are found nowhere else. They are mysterious and strange and, like some ancient Masonic code, designed to act as a barrier to those who are merely curious and of the fair-weather variety.

To the committed seeker though, they represent the first layer of initiation into the movie world. They are the first test of worthiness which you must conquer before those who have travelled before you will even consider looking down upon you and letting you fetch them a cup of coffee.

What sets film making apart though is – it is a creative industry which recognises talent when it sees it. This means that if you are working alone doing something you love – animations, short films, independent feature films on a low budget – there is always the possibility that your work may be seen by the right people. If this happens then you may find yourself propelled into an opportunity that may have taken much longer to arrive in the normal scheme of things. If this happens to you – fantastic, make the best of it.

Is it that easy to get you or your film noticed?

But wait a minute here. This is a long shot. If you have been interested in movie making for a while or been to a few festivals or chatted to other film-makers, then you will know that there are an awful lot of people who are convinced that they are the next big thing. How many times have you heard the following?

• My movie is really different
• It’s never been done before.
• I’ve got a great script!
• We got a great actor for the main part so it will be a success.

I’m all for success. It’s good when people succeed. But the creative medium of film and video has more than its share of overly confident people. Some might say delusional. When you consider the amount of individuals graduating from various film schools and film courses around the world and the amount of independents working to achieve their dreams then that is quite a number in terms of competition for attention.

The cream of the crop.

The cream will rise to the top though. So if you do have a project that is good, don’t be afraid to get it out there. This is particularly true if you have a good script. A lot of first time screenwriters have fears about losing their copyright or having their idea stolen but you really can’t let this stand in the way of letting people read it.

Paths to being a film-maker.

If you are starting out and are interested in the process of film making then how do you go about learning what you need to know? Well there are several paths open to you to begin with:

1. Read as much as you can on the subjects that interest you – acting, drama, animation, producing, directing – whatever it is there really is no excuse to not get started with this one. You can read biographies, technical manuals, American Cinematographer Magazine and countless others.
2. Join on-line groups and forums based on film making – there are many of these – CML is a good one for everything cinematography.
3. Make a short film and submit it to competitions and festivals – use any image device or camera you can find, such as the “Flip” or a camcorder and shoot something – use your friends and family. Once you’ve done it, get it out to a few festivals. If it doesn’t do much the first time, try again. Enter into a film school or media course – From short four week courses to weekends to longer two year courses, there are a lot of options to choose from. The best courses have a highly practical element and this is what you need – hands on time. No-one in the business is interested in a certificate – they want to see what you’ve done.
4. Apply for work in a junior position within a production company or related business – This is the runner and personal assistant route. You will work like a dog for a while until you’ve proved yourself to your employers. If you have worked hard and are still there after a year and haven’t been given an opportunity – get out, they’re taking the piss, and you can do better.

Get started and keep moving.

You’ll find out which one of these is for you given time. If you choose the wrong path don’t worry. The most important thing is to keep going. It’s all about momentum and building your experience. Don’t stop moving forward because before you know it you’ve been doing it for a couple of years and you’ve made two, three or four films and have more experience than you realise.

Here’s just a few tips on what not to do at film festivals:

1. Jump on stage naked and run about during any presentations
2. Grab the mike from the speaker and start singing
3. Get so drunk you don’t know whether you’re a man or a woman.
4. If bearded, get so drunk you try to pull your beard off thinking it’s make-up
5. If clean shaven or a woman, get so drunk that you get violent thinking someone has shaven your beard off.
6. Fall off the yacht in a drunken haze never to be seen again. Well, at least they might make an interesting documentary about you.
7. Fall of the yacht between another yacht and get squashed..oooh
8. Go up to Robert De`Niro and say ’Yeah I’m talking to you, m**********r!’
9. Go up to Joe Pesci and say ‘do I amuse you. Am I here to amuse you? Now go get your f*****g shine box!”
10. Give a ten minute speech and start crying and blabbing like a baby..
11. Start a fight with another director who is better and won more than you.
12. When you lose in the competition shout ,“It doesn’t matter. One day I’m going to be bigger than Spielberg”…Er, no. you’re not.

WARNING! Some readers may find the following film jobs and descriptions highly offensive.

Director
Crack fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own talent and or small penis (if man), moustache (if woman). “Hey wake up buddy, you’re a ‘director’, for like, four weeks of the year, the rest of the time your unemployed and sitting on your ass!”

Producer
Coke/booze fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own importance – with one redeeming feature – access to money. If female, usually single because they’re such a pain in the ass…and fat and ugly.

D.P.
Gadget/monocle wielding perfectionist harbouring a secret desire to direct and a plastic gel fetish. Soon to be out of business due to technical advances and new cameras.

Gaffer
Barely breathing, older hairy-assed spark who’s now too lazy to move. Wears a thong with the excuse… “but it gets so hot in here.”

Camera operator
Swaggers about like a rodeo rider on heat. Treats camera like prized stallion/sex object, always touching it, and shit. Masturbates over American cinematographer magazine. Avoid giving them a seat on the dolly or they’ll expect to be carried like Caesar or Cleopatra or Jabba. Believe themselves to be charismatic mavericks like Indiana Jones or James bond… which of course, they’re not.

Camera assistants
Ass-kissing, elitist fucks suffering from mental dwarfism.

Sparks
Promiscuous, coked up, hairy-assed with pot-bellies…and the men are just as bad.

Boom Operator
Guy with a stick, with what looks like some massive dildo stuck on the end. They shove it up their ass (without the fluffy bit, which is harder to clean) when they’re alone… which is a lot.

Sound recordist
Normally, a man-geek who is lacking social skill and/or sense of humour. A possible ‘Idiot Savant’. The are always one of the first to leave set as they only have some cables and a little box thingy.

First A.D
Directors evil helper who needs a whip to crack. When they ask “how lon?” the correct reply is either… “suck my dick!” or… “how long till what?..Till lunch/dinner/snacks?..Till you suck my dick?”

Second/third A.D.’s
No-talent, ass-kissers with no redeeming features who squawk “ooo, look at me, I work in films.” They will point a lot and order you around, telling you to “line up over there!” If you are a supporting artist, the correct reply to this is… “Eat me, you line up over there, bend over and get f****d in the ass!”

Production coordinators
Anal obsessive list-makers and over ambitious P.A.s. who complain, “But don’t you have your movement order/schedule/some stupid form?” You say… “There was no paper in the honey wagon so I wiped my ass on it.”

Supporting artist
You are sub-humans not be looked directly by any other member of the crew and cast. They will avoid all efforts on your part to chat, bond, obtain sympathy for your plight. You may think, “I’m an actor!” but like… so what?

Actors
Narcissistic bags of wind, who’ve never worked a day in their lives… “What’s your motivation? A boot up your f*****g ass if you don’t start hitting the god-damn marks, mother*****r!”

Make-up
Overpaid face-painters only taken seriously by children and desperate mums. The females are cock-teasers, and the men…they’re cock-teasers too.

Runners
Who?

“I think with an ultra-low budget film I would be happy to recoup my investment and break even. To me this would be a success. If I made a small profit, I would view it as a bonus. Do you think your projects have the potential to do this? If you have three in post, it suggests you are already pro-active and probably have plenty of ideas for future films. Ideally, you would want everyone to pay a little to see your movies and for all the hard work that you and the team will have put in. But, that just isn’t the reality right now, in some instances, with all the download sites available.

For a lot of film-makers operating at the low to no budget level, the rewards will not be financial but will come in the form of experience, confidence, knowledge and maybe reputation, with the added possibility of being offered future ‘paid’ work. Tying yourself up in mental knots about how much money you won’t be making, will only stifle your creativity and your problem solving ability.
For a film to be downloaded 42,000 times is, arguably, a form of success? No? Then how do you combat this situation? Mm. Tricky. There are a lot of people thinking about it, with better brains than me. Swallow it? I think the least you can do is splash your website name (I assume you have a website for your movies?) all over the credits, both beginning and end. If you get downloaded a lot, that should drive some curious traffic to you. But then you need something there to hold people’s interest. Think of ways you can monetise your website to add extra income. Posters, T-shirts, DVD’s, advertising, other website exclusive pods. How about a film for watching in instalments? What about a donation box if they liked your film?

“Please help hungry and soiled film-makers”

I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat knowing that film-making and film distribution is going through important changes and we happen to be stuck in the middle of it. Interesting times. Maybe we should have been born twenty years ago? But then, no digital, no internet, no film-maker forum. We’ve got to be forward thinking.

Why bother you ask? Don’t, if you want to make money. At ultra-low budget level, It’s a distraction. It’s the wrong focus.

In general, we need to start thinking differently. Mini-studios, our own equipment, red-cam’s, green screens, web-distribution, our own t.v channels, more brainpower devoted to marketing but that’s up a level or two. How serious do you get? I’m going on too much. You’re a producer, I’m sure you know all this and were probably feeling a little dispirited when you mailed. I sympathize, I do, so I apologize if I’ve stated anything too obvious.So why bother? Because you love it, you know you do! Keep working, keep making films.”

Firstly, is it a practical film school?

A practical element within your course will enable you to experience all the areas of production and assess your strengths and weaknesses as you go along. Most good ’film’ schools consist of term length projects where all the students rotate roles on a short film production in order to build up that valuable experience of the different creative and technical areas.

In general a more Media type course will involve more theory based class work which examines aspects of film plus television advertising and radio. Very little practical experience will be gained from a course such as this.

At the end of a practical course you will emerge with a show-reel of your work which in the real world is the only thing that counts when looking for a job. Prospective employers want to see evidence of talent and practical skill not a piece of paper with a media degree written on it.

Do you know what you want to do?

If you have a specific idea of the area you want to learn about then a film school is a good choice. You can choose to specialise, in say, directing, cinematography or editing and focus all your energy there.

How confident are you?

You may have a real passion for all things movie but yet you’re not quite sure of your ability, knowledge personal identity and so on. This is completely normal of course because confidence comes with experience and know-how. Here, again, film school would be a good choice as it will allow you to build your confidence through the class assignments, without the fear of being fired for being incompetent!

Are you good at making friends?

Film production is all about teamwork. That means learning to listen and incorporate the ideas of other people and also having to sell your own idea and vision when you need other people to help you. Developing the essential skill of artistic compromise is necessary and will stand you in god stead for the future. Plus you will be meeting all the other film-makers of tomorrow, it would be better to make sure they become your friends rather than your enemies.

Is it right for you?

Film schools are found in countries all over the world. Sometimes there are as many as several good schools in one city. As well as this there are the numerous college programs, university degrees and smaller classes ran outside those normal institutions. Now this is quite a lot of potential film and televisions students graduating and leaving there respective courses each year, each term and each semester. That sounds like a lot of competition. However, if you are good you will more than likely rise to the top. If you’re not as good you can still make a nice living doing what you love with all the skills you’ve learnt. Just remember, if you would rather go home at 7pm rather than stay till midnight and help paint the set for tomorrow morning people may question your commitment and reliability. Like everything else, you will get out of film school what you put into it.

To summarise the benefits of Film schools:

1. Develops confidence, practical knowledge and experience across the different disciplines
2. Allow you to learn and express your ideas in a safe, supportive environment.
3. Produces a foundation show-reel of your work so far.
4. Learn teamwork and the art of compromise.
5. Build a network of people at the same level as you, who will go to work in the industry.

If you want to sell your feature movie or get it seen by anyone then you’ll need to do some thinking about marketing strategy, no matter what the size of your budget. If you have no money and you are shooting a no-budget 75 minutes then your marketing strategy could be as simple as finding somewhere, like the local bar, to show your film. But whatever the case, it is good practice to start thinking about these details so you have experience and ideas when it comes to a bigger project in the future.

Let’s see how big movies go about marketing at different stages of their existence:

1. Script development and Pre-production: This is where the idea is developed into a script, which is then written, redrafted and polished and the initial excitement is generated through the use of concept posters and artwork, internet buzz, word of mouth, forums etc.
2. Production: The shooting of the film produces still photographs, cut sequences, early teasers, and on-set interviews for later broadcast on television or inclusion in the DVD.
3. The Post-production period sees the emergence of a coherent trailer, show reels, preliminary poster elements for publicity campaigns and festival strategies.
4. The finished film stage: Early screenings take place at festivals such as Cannes, Venice and Sundance to generate publicity and awareness.
5. The distribution process: This includes press junkets, poster campaigns, theatrical trailers and national and international releases at specific times of the year. Here the public is allowed to see the film for the first time (test audiences will have already been used) and this audience and critical feedback will then influence any further marketing plans.
6. Continuing distribution: All other markets such as in-flight entertainment, internet downloads, DVD and blue-ray are brought into play.

Public relation companies who specialize in media marketing are brought in to promote and ‘seed’ knowledge of the film, its story and images over all the territories where it will play.

Now, budgets are always tight on independent movies and you don’t have to follow this plan to the letter but there are sensible strategies here for everyone which you should implement. This will give you plenty of material with which to publicize your movie.

1. Try and develop word of mouth about your forthcoming project. Join web based forums, discussion groups and post regularly with relevant and useful info.
2. Develop a website where you can update your progress regularly but only if you can do it regularly and provide fresh content. This can later be a platform where you can have your film available for direct download if you want to go it alone.
3. Produce your own concept poster using some decent software like Photoshop.
4. When shooting make sure you grab as much behind the scenes footage as you can for your DVD extras. This should include director/writer/producer/DP interviews and anything else you can think of.
5. ‘Stills’ photos are absolutely essential for publicity and marketing later. Get a good photographer to come in for a day on the shoot and take some great pictures of the lead actors and main action/dramatic scenes (you should to stage these specifically).
6. Produce several different length trailers for a publicity DVD plus for viewing on your website and for download.
7. Develop a festival strategy and decide which ones you will aim to enter. It’s important to know and be ready for festival submission dates.
8. Produce a brochure with photos, DVD and other promotional materials ready to give to anyone who may be interested.