Archive for category movies

Film jobs by ‘Disgruntled.’

Posted by Andrew Michael Brown in comedy, directing, film business, movies on May 21st, 2009

This is Disgruntled’s guide to film jobs. This isn’t my opinion but that of a warped and bitter individual who has worked with too many a******s. Do you have the qualities to work on a movie set? Check out this guide to the roles of some of the film crew!

WARNING! Some readers may find the following film jobs and descriptions highly offensive.

Director
Crack fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own talent and or small penis (if man), moustache (if woman). “Hey wake up buddy, you’re a ‘director’, for like, four weeks of the year, the rest of the time your unemployed and sitting on your ass!”

Producer
Coke/booze fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own importance – with one redeeming feature – access to money. If female, usually single because they’re such a pain in the ass…and fat and ugly.

D.P.
Gadget/monocle wielding perfectionist harbouring a secret desire to direct and a plastic gel fetish. Soon to be out of business due to technical advances and new cameras.

Gaffer
Barely breathing, older hairy-assed spark who’s now too lazy to move. Wears a thong with the excuse… “but it gets so hot in here.”

Camera operator
Swaggers about like a rodeo rider on heat. Treats camera like prized stallion/sex object, always touching it, and shit. Masturbates over American cinematographer magazine. Avoid giving them a seat on the dolly or they’ll expect to be carried like Caesar or Cleopatra or Jabba. Believe themselves to be charismatic mavericks like Indiana Jones or James bond… which of course, they’re not.

Camera assistants
Ass-kissing, elitist fucks suffering from mental dwarfism.

Sparks
Promiscuous, coked up, hairy-assed with pot-bellies…and the men are just as bad.

Boom Operator
Guy with a stick, with what looks like some massive dildo stuck on the end. They shove it up their ass (without the fluffy bit, which is harder to clean) when they’re alone… which is a lot.

Sound recordist
Normally, a man-geek who is lacking social skill and/or sense of humour. A possible ‘Idiot Savant’. The are always one of the first to leave set as they only have some cables and a little box thingy.

First A.D
Directors evil helper who needs a whip to crack. When they ask “how lon?” the correct reply is either… “suck my dick!” or… “how long till what?..Till lunch/dinner/snacks?..Till you suck my dick?”

Second/third A.D.’s
No-talent, ass-kissers with no redeeming features who squawk “ooo, look at me, I work in films.” They will point a lot and order you around, telling you to “line up over there!” If you are a supporting artist, the correct reply to this is… “Eat me, you line up over there, bend over and get f****d in the ass!”

Production coordinators
Anal obsessive list-makers and over ambitious P.A.s. who complain, “But don’t you have your movement order/schedule/some stupid form?” You say… “There was no paper in the honey wagon so I wiped my ass on it.”

Supporting artist
You are sub-humans not be looked directly by any other member of the crew and cast. They will avoid all efforts on your part to chat, bond, obtain sympathy for your plight. You may think, “I’m an actor!” but like… so what?

Actors
Narcissistic bags of wind, who’ve never worked a day in their lives… “What’s your motivation? A boot up your f*****g ass if you don’t start hitting the god-damn marks, mother*****r!”

Make-up
Overpaid face-painters only taken seriously by children and desperate mums. The females are cock-teasers, and the men…they’re cock-teasers too.

Runners
Who?

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Making money in independent film making and low-budget films.

Posted by Andrew Michael Brown in directing, distribution, film business, film marketing, filmmaking, movies on May 21st, 2009

This was from a post of mine on the filmmaker magazine forums before they were all spammed up by drug sellers. What’s happened to them; I’ll need to check? Anyway, I thought I’d post it here too. I was discussing with another film maker, who was planning his distribution strategy, the reality of low-budget films being downloaded and shared without any sort of payment to the makers and the frustrations this involved. This was my response:

“I think with an ultra-low budget film I would be happy to recoup my investment and break even. To me this would be a success. If I made a small profit, I would view it as a bonus. Do you think your projects have the potential to do this? If you have three in post, it suggests you are already pro-active and probably have plenty of ideas for future films. Ideally, you would want everyone to pay a little to see your movies and for all the hard work that you and the team will have put in. But, that just isn’t the reality right now, in some instances, with all the download sites available.

For a lot of film-makers operating at the low to no budget level, the rewards will not be financial but will come in the form of experience, confidence, knowledge and maybe reputation, with the added possibility of being offered future ‘paid’ work. Tying yourself up in mental knots about how much money you won’t be making, will only stifle your creativity and your problem solving ability.
For a film to be downloaded 42,000 times is, arguably, a form of success? No? Then how do you combat this situation? Mm. Tricky. There are a lot of people thinking about it, with better brains than me. Swallow it? I think the least you can do is splash your website name (I assume you have a website for your movies?) all over the credits, both beginning and end. If you get downloaded a lot, that should drive some curious traffic to you. But then you need something there to hold people’s interest. Think of ways you can monetise your website to add extra income. Posters, T-shirts, DVD’s, advertising, other website exclusive pods. How about a film for watching in instalments? What about a donation box if they liked your film?

“Please help hungry and soiled film-makers”

I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat knowing that film-making and film distribution is going through important changes and we happen to be stuck in the middle of it. Interesting times. Maybe we should have been born twenty years ago? But then, no digital, no internet, no film-maker forum. We’ve got to be forward thinking.

Why bother you ask? Don’t, if you want to make money. At ultra-low budget level, It’s a distraction. It’s the wrong focus.

In general, we need to start thinking differently. Mini-studios, our own equipment, red-cam’s, green screens, web-distribution, our own t.v channels, more brainpower devoted to marketing but that’s up a level or two. How serious do you get? I’m going on too much. You’re a producer, I’m sure you know all this and were probably feeling a little dispirited when you mailed. I sympathize, I do, so I apologize if I’ve stated anything too obvious.So why bother? Because you love it, you know you do! Keep working, keep making films.”

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