This is Disgruntled’s guide to film jobs. This isn’t my opinion but that of a warped and bitter individual who has worked with too many a******s. Do you have the qualities to work on a movie set? Check out this guide to the roles of some of the film crew!
WARNING! Some readers may find the following film jobs and descriptions highly offensive.
Crack fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own talent and or small penis (if man), moustache (if woman). “Hey wake up buddy, you’re a ‘director’, for like, four weeks of the year, the rest of the time your unemployed and sitting on your ass!”
Coke/booze fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own importance – with one redeeming feature – access to money. If female, usually single because they’re such a pain in the ass…and fat and ugly.
Gadget/monocle wielding perfectionist harbouring a secret desire to direct and a plastic gel fetish. Soon to be out of business due to technical advances and new cameras.
Barely breathing, older hairy-assed spark who’s now too lazy to move. Wears a thong with the excuse… “but it gets so hot in here.”
Swaggers about like a rodeo rider on heat. Treats camera like prized stallion/sex object, always touching it, and shit. Masturbates over American cinematographer magazine. Avoid giving them a seat on the dolly or they’ll expect to be carried like Caesar or Cleopatra or Jabba. Believe themselves to be charismatic mavericks like Indiana Jones or James bond… which of course, they’re not.
Ass-kissing, elitist fucks suffering from mental dwarfism.
Promiscuous, coked up, hairy-assed with pot-bellies…and the men are just as bad.
Guy with a stick, with what looks like some massive dildo stuck on the end. They shove it up their ass (without the fluffy bit, which is harder to clean) when they’re alone… which is a lot.
Normally, a man-geek who is lacking social skill and/or sense of humour. A possible ‘Idiot Savant’. The are always one of the first to leave set as they only have some cables and a little box thingy.
Directors evil helper who needs a whip to crack. When they ask “how lon?” the correct reply is either… “suck my dick!” or… “how long till what?..Till lunch/dinner/snacks?..Till you suck my dick?”
No-talent, ass-kissers with no redeeming features who squawk “ooo, look at me, I work in films.” They will point a lot and order you around, telling you to “line up over there!” If you are a supporting artist, the correct reply to this is… “Eat me, you line up over there, bend over and get f****d in the ass!”
Anal obsessive list-makers and over ambitious P.A.s. who complain, “But don’t you have your movement order/schedule/some stupid form?” You say… “There was no paper in the honey wagon so I wiped my ass on it.”
You are sub-humans not be looked directly by any other member of the crew and cast. They will avoid all efforts on your part to chat, bond, obtain sympathy for your plight. You may think, “I’m an actor!” but like… so what?
Narcissistic bags of wind, who’ve never worked a day in their lives… “What’s your motivation? A boot up your f*****g ass if you don’t start hitting the god-damn marks, mother*****r!”
Overpaid face-painters only taken seriously by children and desperate mums. The females are cock-teasers, and the men…they’re cock-teasers too.