Film set rules!

It is so exciting to see people making a film somewhere and all of us just want to find out more. But how should we behave on-set when we arrive unexpectedly?

Here are a few guidelines about what to do if you see someone making a film and fancy a little look-see, guaranteed to make a good impression and who knows, maybe some new friends?

  1. Never point and laugh at the director when he’s framing up a shot and start talking like a crack addict who’s just had a load of crack.
  2. Do tap the director on the shoulder and then proceed to tell him how he should film this shot, they love to collaborate and appreciate everyone’s input.
  3. Don’t take make-up from the make-up artist and: a) Draw on yourself, others or objects (animals and babies are ok - they won’t tell). Try older children at your own peril. b) Eat it. c) Make rude gestures with the lipstick.
  4. Don’t inform the producer that you’ve seen one of the crew snorting coke as this is the norm and perfectly acceptable, indeed the producer has probably done a few lines herself that morning. Everyone works hard on set and they need a little pick me-up.
  5. Don’t wander around the set turning lights on and off willy-nilly to save energy.
  6. Don’t look at the monitor and say out loud, ‘it’s a bit dark isn’t it? I can’t see f**k all’.
  7. Don’t chat up the producer’s blonde bombshell girlfriend, usually a promising and talented model come actress….with big tits.
  8. Do help yourself to tea and coffee all day and food at meal times.
  9. Don’t jerk off in the honey wagon between takes.
  10. Don’t fart during a take or an atmosphere track. The exceptions to this rule are: a) You’re the sound man and you know it’s coming, you can deal with it, or b) You’re the director, c) You’re the director’s mum.
  11. In between takes, don’t pick up the boom and wave it about like you’re an extra from Lord of the Rings.
  12. Don’t answer your phone during a take. The only exception to this is, if it’s your mum asking what you want for dinner.
  13. Before a take, don’t tell the leading lady that, on the monitor she looks a bit old/fat/dwarf-like.

Follow these simple rules and you are bound to be invited back to the next location. Have fun.

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