It is so exciting to see people making a film somewhere and all of us just want to find out more. But how should we behave on-set when we arrive unexpectedly?
Here are a few guidelines about what to do if you see someone making a film and fancy a little look-see, guaranteed to make a good impression and who knows, maybe some new friends?
- Never point and laugh at the director when he’s framing up a shot and start talking like a crack addict who’s just had a load of crack.
- Do tap the director on the shoulder and then proceed to tell him how he should film this shot, they love to collaborate and appreciate everyone’s input.
- Don’t take make-up from the make-up artist and: a) Draw on yourself, others or objects (animals and babies are ok – they won’t tell). Try older children at your own peril. b) Eat it. c) Make rude gestures with the lipstick.
- Don’t inform the producer that you’ve seen one of the crew snorting coke as this is the norm and perfectly acceptable, indeed the producer has probably done a few lines herself that morning. Everyone works hard on set and they need a little pick me-up.
- Don’t wander around the set turning lights on and off willy-nilly to save energy.
- Don’t look at the monitor and say out loud, ‘it’s a bit dark isn’t it? I can’t see f**k all’.
- Don’t chat up the producer’s blonde bombshell girlfriend, usually a promising and talented model come actress….with big tits.
- Do help yourself to tea and coffee all day and food at meal times.
- Don’t jerk off in the honey wagon between takes.
- Don’t fart during a take or an atmosphere track. The exceptions to this rule are: a) You’re the sound man and you know it’s coming, you can deal with it, or b) You’re the director, c) You’re the director’s mum.
- In between takes, don’t pick up the boom and wave it about like you’re an extra from Lord of the Rings.
- Don’t answer your phone during a take. The only exception to this is, if it’s your mum asking what you want for dinner.
- Before a take, don’t tell the leading lady that, on the monitor she looks a bit old/fat/dwarf-like.
Follow these simple rules and you are bound to be invited back to the next location. Have fun.