Granted, there are many industries who operate under the own arcane gobbledegook. ‘Management speak’ is often touted as an example of language gone loopy. Movies, however, are a very public affair and if you have the slightest interest in getting under that glossy and glamorous sheen to see how they are really made, then you will soon come across some very mystical incantations which will befuddle your brain and murk your mind. Reading like something out of “The Lord of the Rings” are words, phrases, job titles and techniques from “Gaffers to gobos, dollies to doughnuts, apple-boxes and Auteurs.” Were you aware that if you are at all interested in looking through the camera then, one day, you may have to put your face against a “teddy bear’s asshole”? I’ll leave you to find that one out for yourself.

Anyone getting to grips with film terms and movie terminology should be rewarded with a certificate of achievement and a badge. If you have ambitions to study film technique, make films yourself or just appreciate the art and craft of movie making, then at some point you will begin to encounter these obscure and esoteric nuggets of mouthery that are found nowhere else. They are mysterious and strange and, like some ancient Masonic code, designed to act as a barrier to those who are merely curious and of the fair-weather variety.

To the committed seeker though, they represent the first layer of initiation into the movie world. They are the first test of worthiness which you must conquer before those who have travelled before you will even consider looking down upon you and letting you fetch them a cup of coffee.

What sets film making apart though is – it is a creative industry which recognises talent when it sees it. This means that if you are working alone doing something you love – animations, short films, independent feature films on a low budget – there is always the possibility that your work may be seen by the right people. If this happens then you may find yourself propelled into an opportunity that may have taken much longer to arrive in the normal scheme of things. If this happens to you – fantastic, make the best of it.

Is it that easy to get you or your film noticed?

But wait a minute here. This is a long shot. If you have been interested in movie making for a while or been to a few festivals or chatted to other film-makers, then you will know that there are an awful lot of people who are convinced that they are the next big thing. How many times have you heard the following?

• My movie is really different
• It’s never been done before.
• I’ve got a great script!
• We got a great actor for the main part so it will be a success.

I’m all for success. It’s good when people succeed. But the creative medium of film and video has more than its share of overly confident people. Some might say delusional. When you consider the amount of individuals graduating from various film schools and film courses around the world and the amount of independents working to achieve their dreams then that is quite a number in terms of competition for attention.

The cream of the crop.

The cream will rise to the top though. So if you do have a project that is good, don’t be afraid to get it out there. This is particularly true if you have a good script. A lot of first time screenwriters have fears about losing their copyright or having their idea stolen but you really can’t let this stand in the way of letting people read it.

Paths to being a film-maker.

If you are starting out and are interested in the process of film making then how do you go about learning what you need to know? Well there are several paths open to you to begin with:

1. Read as much as you can on the subjects that interest you – acting, drama, animation, producing, directing – whatever it is there really is no excuse to not get started with this one. You can read biographies, technical manuals, American Cinematographer Magazine and countless others.
2. Join on-line groups and forums based on film making – there are many of these – CML is a good one for everything cinematography.
3. Make a short film and submit it to competitions and festivals – use any image device or camera you can find, such as the “Flip” or a camcorder and shoot something – use your friends and family. Once you’ve done it, get it out to a few festivals. If it doesn’t do much the first time, try again. Enter into a film school or media course – From short four week courses to weekends to longer two year courses, there are a lot of options to choose from. The best courses have a highly practical element and this is what you need – hands on time. No-one in the business is interested in a certificate – they want to see what you’ve done.
4. Apply for work in a junior position within a production company or related business – This is the runner and personal assistant route. You will work like a dog for a while until you’ve proved yourself to your employers. If you have worked hard and are still there after a year and haven’t been given an opportunity – get out, they’re taking the piss, and you can do better.

Get started and keep moving.

You’ll find out which one of these is for you given time. If you choose the wrong path don’t worry. The most important thing is to keep going. It’s all about momentum and building your experience. Don’t stop moving forward because before you know it you’ve been doing it for a couple of years and you’ve made two, three or four films and have more experience than you realise.

DP’s generally fall into three categories:

• those who light to make it look good.
• those who light to make it look good and tell the story.
• those who say they can but actually couldn’t light their own granny, (Luckily, few and far between but they do exist!)

All things being equal, you want the guy or gal in the middle. These are the people who will use their understanding of cinematography to express all the elements of your story and it’s characters. They may be more or less than wholly successful but their intention is the right one.

How then do you go about deciding who is the right person to work with? Here are some tips:

1. Obviously, view the show reels of prospective D.P.’s/ this will give you an good idea of their work.
2. Send a script before meeting. People are busy but D.P.’s, if interested, should be able and will want to read a script pretty quick
3. Meet informally to discuss the film, choice of styles and creative issues.
4. Be prepared to answer questions about characters, motivation etc .A good D.P. will have suggestions and won’t just be a ‘yes man’. This is a creative role and they will most likely be ‘thinkers’ and leaders. They will often challenge the way you think a about certain things.
5. Be aware if someone just agrees with your every idea, this could denote a lack of ideas or confidence or leadership ability.
6. Based on your answers a good D.P. may choose not to work with you! They have a reputation to protect/build and wont work with just anyone. (if you do have a poor script/personality you better have a lot of money!).
7. References: Contact other producers and directors who have worked with the same person and get their view.
8. Make sure you can get on personally. You will be working very closely together over a number of weeks of the shoot both before and after in pre-and post production so be certain you can work through any disagreements or differences of opinions amicably and maturely.

Finding a D.P. to work with is something all aspiring and established film makers have to deal with at some time. Ideally you will find someone you can work with again and again on different projects and thereby create a successful relationship of mutual respect and admiration.

Usually the AD, the Assistant Director, will take charge of getting everybody ready for the shot. Any final make-up touches and powder will be applied to bright, shiny faces and last minute hair adjustments will be made. Continuity will be checked. Props will have been set in place and lights will be tweaked. On set, mobile phones should always be switched off whilst filming.

Unless you are on a sound stage, the sound recordist will wait for the numerous planes to pass by overhead and cars to disappear before giving the all clear.

Going for a shot will go something like this:

The Assistant Director will ask:

• AD: “Everybody ready?”
• EVERYBODY: Yes / yo / you bet / Do it, do it! / yeah / fuck yeah!/kiss my ass.

Everyone is ready to go.

• DIRECTOR/AD: “Roll sound” or “run sound.”

The sound recordist (opens eyes/puts down newspaper or porn mag) switches on his gizmos and announces:

• SOUND RECORDIST: “Rolling/running!”

The AD or Director will then say:

• DIRECTOR/AD: “Roll camera” or “run camera” or “turnover.”

The camera operator or his/her assistant will start the camera. (This depends upon the crew size,budget and whether shooting film or digital).

• 1st CAMERA ASSISTANT: “Rolling” or “Running” or “Speed*”

The 1st or 2nd camera assistant will then hold the ‘board’ or ‘clapper board’ at a distance where it will appear in a central position in the camera frame. You can determine this by either looking at the size of the shot in the monitor or the viewfinder or through experience, by judging the distance based on the lens focal length. The Operator will then say:

• CAMERA OPERATOR: “Mark it!“

On ‘mark it’, will declare:

• 1ST/2ND/CLAPPER LOADER/CAMERA ASSISTANT: “slate 1, take 1.”

The camera assistant may also sometimes announce the name of the production before snapping shut the board.

• DIRECTOR: “Action.”

The Action takes place.

• DIRECTOR: “cut!”

The director will check with both camera and sound departments for their feedback on whether there were any problems/issues with the shot. If shooting on film, the camera gate will be checked straight away for dust and small particles which could have scratched the film’s surface.

The Director will confer with the actors on their feelings about the performance and give them his/her comments. It’s rare to have a one take wonder so there will generally be another couple of takes to improve any or all of the elements involved.

* The term ‘speed’ comes from the camera operator announcing when a film camera had been started and run up to the desired amount of ‘frames per second’, its proper speed.

One of the key rules to getting good sound is to always move the microphone either closer or further away from the action rather than altering the sound levels on the machine. This keeps the background level more or less consistent.

Sound recording within a studio environment is obviously more controllable and less problematic. But what happens when you are outside? One of the secrets of good sound recording when you’re on location out in the wild countryside (or at least a bus ride away) is microphone selection and placement. Although the ideal ‘place’ for placement may often be difficult to achieve due to blocking and lighting issues and boom shadows, cramped spaces, odd background noises and so on. It’s a reality on a lot of shoots, that where the best spot is for the sound crew, is a little lower down the scale of priorities after camera position and actors.

Wherever you are shooting the sound recordist will monitor the sound for each take, indicating problem areas and lines, listening for over head aircraft, cars zooming by or crew members chatting (shut the f**k up!) outside by the coffee and doughnuts. They will also get as many ‘atmospheres’ as they can for each of the locations. These are recordings of the background noise of each location. These are invaluable for the soundtrack in the edit for joining and smoothing shots.

It is always a very good idea to include the sound team on any locations reccy’s that the production arrange. Often a sound recordist can highlight important issues that may create problems on the day for recording and waste valuable time.

Microphone types:

1. Omnidirectional mics: These pick up sound from..you guessed it..every direction equally. They are occasionally used for radio mics.
2. Uni-directional mics: This is usually a singer’s microphone on a stage. The microphone’s pick-up pattern ignores sound from behind it. It captures sound from one direction only.
3. Cardioid: This mic has a heart shaped pick-up pattern hence the name. There are variations such as the Hyper-cardiod and the Super-cardiod which have very directional response fields. They are normally used in speech recording.
4. Shotgun mic: A highly directional mic with great frontal pick-up and sensitivity that is good for dialogue capture whilst the recordist stays out of shot. A ‘Sennheiser 416’ is a classic example of the directional mic.
5. Radio mics/Wireless mics: These are small microphones hidden in an actor’s clothing or pockets etc. You will usually see them in broadcast interview situations worn on jacket lapels. They have their own small battery pack which is usually worn at the back and tucked into a belt. Radio mics are very useful in certain situation when booming is impossible.

Sound tips.

If it’s a dark scene have the boom operator put some white camera tape at the end of the boom mic so that the camera operator can see it better.
Don’t shoot near airports.
If the actors are too noisy have them take their shoes off…but nothing else.
Don’t turn up to set naked otherwise you’ll get a reputation for being “That naked sound recordist?..You know, the crazy one that’s always naked.”

WARNING! Some readers may find the following film jobs and descriptions highly offensive.

Director
Crack fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own talent and or small penis (if man), moustache (if woman). “Hey wake up buddy, you’re a ‘director’, for like, four weeks of the year, the rest of the time your unemployed and sitting on your ass!”

Producer
Coke/booze fuelled egomaniac with distorted sense of their own importance – with one redeeming feature – access to money. If female, usually single because they’re such a pain in the ass…and fat and ugly.

D.P.
Gadget/monocle wielding perfectionist harbouring a secret desire to direct and a plastic gel fetish. Soon to be out of business due to technical advances and new cameras.

Gaffer
Barely breathing, older hairy-assed spark who’s now too lazy to move. Wears a thong with the excuse… “but it gets so hot in here.”

Camera operator
Swaggers about like a rodeo rider on heat. Treats camera like prized stallion/sex object, always touching it, and shit. Masturbates over American cinematographer magazine. Avoid giving them a seat on the dolly or they’ll expect to be carried like Caesar or Cleopatra or Jabba. Believe themselves to be charismatic mavericks like Indiana Jones or James bond… which of course, they’re not.

Camera assistants
Ass-kissing, elitist fucks suffering from mental dwarfism.

Sparks
Promiscuous, coked up, hairy-assed with pot-bellies…and the men are just as bad.

Boom Operator
Guy with a stick, with what looks like some massive dildo stuck on the end. They shove it up their ass (without the fluffy bit, which is harder to clean) when they’re alone… which is a lot.

Sound recordist
Normally, a man-geek who is lacking social skill and/or sense of humour. A possible ‘Idiot Savant’. The are always one of the first to leave set as they only have some cables and a little box thingy.

First A.D
Directors evil helper who needs a whip to crack. When they ask “how lon?” the correct reply is either… “suck my dick!” or… “how long till what?..Till lunch/dinner/snacks?..Till you suck my dick?”

Second/third A.D.’s
No-talent, ass-kissers with no redeeming features who squawk “ooo, look at me, I work in films.” They will point a lot and order you around, telling you to “line up over there!” If you are a supporting artist, the correct reply to this is… “Eat me, you line up over there, bend over and get f****d in the ass!”

Production coordinators
Anal obsessive list-makers and over ambitious P.A.s. who complain, “But don’t you have your movement order/schedule/some stupid form?” You say… “There was no paper in the honey wagon so I wiped my ass on it.”

Supporting artist
You are sub-humans not be looked directly by any other member of the crew and cast. They will avoid all efforts on your part to chat, bond, obtain sympathy for your plight. You may think, “I’m an actor!” but like… so what?

Actors
Narcissistic bags of wind, who’ve never worked a day in their lives… “What’s your motivation? A boot up your f*****g ass if you don’t start hitting the god-damn marks, mother*****r!”

Make-up
Overpaid face-painters only taken seriously by children and desperate mums. The females are cock-teasers, and the men…they’re cock-teasers too.

Runners
Who?

Here are a few guidelines about what to do if you see someone making a film and fancy a little look-see, guaranteed to make a good impression and who knows, maybe some new friends?

1. Never point and laugh at the director when he’s framing up a shot and start talking like a crack addict who’s just had a load of crack.
2. Do tap the director on the shoulder and then proceed to tell him how he should film this shot, they love to collaborate and appreciate everyone’s input.
3. Don’t take make-up from the make-up artist and: a) Draw on yourself, others or objects (animals and babies are ok – they won’t tell). Try older children at your own peril. b) Eat it. c) Make rude gestures with the lipstick.
4. Don’t inform the producer that you’ve seen one of the crew snorting coke as this is the norm and perfectly acceptable, indeed the producer has probably done a few lines herself that morning. Everyone works hard on set and they need a little pick me-up.
5. Don’t wander around the set turning lights on and off willy-nilly to save energy.
6. Don’t look at the monitor and say out loud, ‘it’s a bit dark isn’t it? I can’t see f**k all’.
7. Don’t chat up the producer’s blonde bombshell girlfriend, usually a promising and talented model come actress….with big tits.
8. Do help yourself to tea and coffee all day and food at meal times.
9. Don’t jerk off in the honey wagon between takes.
10. Don’t fart during a take or an atmosphere track. The exceptions to this rule are: a) You’re the sound man and you know it’s coming, you can deal with it, or b) You’re the director, c) You’re the director’s mum.
11. In between takes, don’t pick up the boom and wave it about like you’re an extra from Lord of the Rings.
12. Don’t answer your phone during a take. The only exception to this is, if it’s your mum asking what you want for dinner.
13. Before a take, don’t tell the leading lady that, on the monitor she looks a bit old/fat/dwarf-like.

Follow these simple rules and you are bound to be invited back to the next location. Have fun.